i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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