i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
