It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
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there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
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You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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