Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
