it's too hot outside to masturbate.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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