ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
