Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I CAN MOONWALK!
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
