I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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