She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
