is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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