I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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