I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
