Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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