i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
