standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
