The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
