How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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