Ambien. No doubt about it.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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