This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
