He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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