It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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