I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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