I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
