You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
