I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I need to calm my uterus...
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
