i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
