I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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