after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
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I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
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So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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