i permit you to call me
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
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