I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
