Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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