just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just found puke in my bra..
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
