So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
