i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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