When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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