And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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