I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
