i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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