dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
