I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
