I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
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Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
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stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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