i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
he thought i was a dude.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
