After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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