does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Randomize
