please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
