As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
