Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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