My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
