My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
