u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
