Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
