I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
