Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
