Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
