2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
where are you?
Hypothermia
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize