I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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