Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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