apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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