True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
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i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
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Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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