Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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