3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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