In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
