Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
