I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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