i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
