Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Me too!
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
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