Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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