u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
